Tl;dr – ★★★★☆
I am a big fan of Amy Gallo — she has a great podcast with HBR, a great LinkedIn presence, and now a great book. So I was excited to read this one, thinking about all the difficult people I was going to be able to convert after I had all the learnings stashed in my back pocket.
While I did learn some great strategies for dealing with difficult people, I also ran into a few surprises.
First, I recognized myself in several on the archetypes. I didn’t fit neatly & wholly into one of the profiles, but I definitely saw some of my worst habits outlined in select descriptions (The Pessimist, anyone?). This meant that I wasn’t just reading about other people behaving badly, but that I had to confront the ways that I could default to behaving badly as well.
And secondly, the book helped me navigate other areas of my life outside of work, namely how I should deal with a neighbor who I would like talking to if it wasn’t for the incessant gossip.
As a person who is incredibly invested in learning & prep work, it was revelatory to approach work relationships as a skill to be developed. Just as we learn new skills for a job, we have to allow ourselves to acquire the proper toolkit for dealing with a difficult coworker.
I also enjoyed the focus on actionable strategies you can do on your own, even before interacting with the other — as Amy says, keeping your side of the street clean (cue Taylor Swift). The act of self-reflection proves to be a powerful tool when getting along at work.
Interested to learn more? Full Tl;dr recap below. 👇
Part 1: Laying the Groundwork for Getting Along
Why should we care about our relationships at work? It may be more important than you think.
- “Being close with colleagues increases information- and idea-sharing, self-confidence, and learning” and “workers with mundane jobs are just as likely to feel satisfied and fulfilled as those with inspiring job if they invest in social connections.”
- This is wild — think about it. When it comes to feeling fulfilled, the job doesn’t matter as much as the people do.
“Conflict often drives us to distraction”:
- “You must create the necessary space to choose a response that will result in growth instead of conflict.”
- Embrace reappraisal — “reassessing an emotional situation in a more positive or neutral light, or as a challenge instead of a thread.”
Part 2: The Archetypes
Before jumping into the archetypes, readers are reminded to clean up their side of the street — defined as “acknowledging & attending to your part in the struggle”.
This may sound unjust or unwanted, but imagine if you had the power to solely eliminate the conflict. Truly sussing out what we can control, what we can influence, and what we can reframe does redistribute the power in our favor.
The Insecure Boss
- Background
- Leaders may be more susceptible to self-doubt
- “Insecurity increases as you move into leadership roles”
- “Ego defensiveness” or the discrepancy between how capable a leader feels & how high the expectations of their role are
- Costs
- “Those who are intellectually insecure come down hard on others, perhaps as a tactic for probing how smart they are” (Teresa Amabile)
- Bad for you, personally — could impact future job prospects, increased job-related stress, self-doubt, and anxiety about the future
- Bad for business — fragile, stymy innovation & creativity, bad listeners, don’t solicit feedback
- Questions to ask yourself
- What evidence do I have that my boss is insecure? Could I be wrong in my assessment?
- Is the insecurity causing a problem? If so, what is the negative impact?
- Am I feeding the insecurity?
- What does my boss want?
Tactics to remember
DO
- Remember that your insecure boss is human.
- Position yourself as an ally, not a rival.
- Start sentences with “we” as much as possible.
- Keep them updated and be transparent about what you’re working on and who you’re talking with, especially in other parts of the company.
DON’T
- Assume you know what pressures your manager is under or what’s causing their insecurity.
- Retaliate. If your self-doubting manager senses that you can’t be trusted or that you have disdain for them, their anxieties are likely to ramp up.
The Pessimist
- Background
- Three elements to consider when it comes to pessimism — outlook, agency, and behavior
- Prevention versus promotion focus (dominant motivational focuses)
- Anxiety — imagining the worst-case may help them guard against those possibilities coming true
- Power — “pessimists use negativity to feel powerful”
- Resentment — often seen when people feel passed over, under valued, or lack of respect
- Cost
- Pessimists themselves suffer great cost (anxiety, depression, drained creativity, etc.)
- Emotions can be contagious, so it’s easy to get dragged into a coworker’s negative outlook
- Question to ask yourself
- What are the possible sources of their pessimism?
- Are their concerns legitimate?
Tactics to try
DO
- Encourage them to play disagreer-in-chief as part of their formal role.
- Engage with their underlying ideas and assumptions, asking for clarification or more information about what they mean.
- Set constructive norms for the whole team — for example, you could agree as a group that everyone will ask themselves before they speak, “Will this comment be helpful?
DON’T
- Try to drown them in positivity; that can further entrench them in their pessimism.
- Ignore their complaints or their concerns; they may have valid reasons for their naysaying.
The Victim
- Background
- Victims are often consumed by who is to blame, which never happens to be them
- These habits could be rooted in real pain
- However, many people in this archetype maintain the attitude because it’s beneficial
- Cost
- “While a pessimist’s outlook can be helpful in identifying potential risks or pointing out pitfalls that others are missing, a victim’s attitude rarely does more than irritate and alienate their coworkers” — unlike pessimism, it’s hard to spin this archetype to be any benefit for the team at large.
- Questions to ask yourself
- Are they truly a victim? Are they being targeted by colleagues, senior leaders, clients, or others?
- What triggers your colleague’s victim attitude?
Tactics to try
DO
- Provide positive reinforcement and openly express appreciation for the value your colleague brings to the team.
- Boost their sense of agency by encouraging them to mentor a colleague, lend their expertise to another team, or even volunteer outside of work.
DON’T
- Only give them validation when they complain (you’ll reward their bellyaching).
- Suffer through their griping sessions — it’s OK to excuse yourself or change the subject to something more neutral.
The Passive-Aggressive Peer
- Background
- Fear of failure or rejection → desire for perfection or desire to be liked — when “cautious instincts are overwhelmed by demands that they perceive as unreasonable”
- Conflict avoidance tactics → desire for harmony
- Being powerless or lacking influence → desire to exert control
- Cost
- A team can be impacted negatively — slower decision-making, ineffective communication, and unhealthy conflict
- Questions to ask yourself
- Is this behavior about you or might it be triggered by something else?
- Is your colleague intentionally trying to hurt you?
- Are past experiences with your passive-aggressive peer coloring present interactions?
Tactics to try
DO
- Try to understand the underlying idea they’re attempting to convey.
- Focus on facts: the things you know for sure, without emotion, judgement, or exaggeration.
- Agree to be up front as a team about any frustrations and model the honest and direct interactions you want to happen.
DON’T
- Take their behavior personally — while you may feel like a target, chances are they treat others similarly.
- Accuse them of behaving passive-aggressively — it’ll only make the situation worse.
- Take the bait and respond angrily to a passive-aggressive email or text — take the conversation offline.
The Know-It-All
- Background
- We tend to rate ourselves better at things than we actually are
- Possible origins — (1) company cultures that reward people who act/look like they know all the answers, (2) national or regional culture, (3) an individual covering up for incompetence or insecurities
- Cost
- This behavior can stymie creativity, strip people of their voices (especially those who are more introverted & introspective, or minority groups), and make others feel small.
- It can hinder your career — condescension (no matter the intent) can crush your confidence & cause you to hold back during important meetings, projects, or engagements.
- Companies suffer too — “having incompetent people who believe they are better than they actually are puts the companies they lead at a disadvantage. Those organizations don’t have the talent they need to rise to whatever challenge they’re facing.”
- Questions to ask yourself
- Are they trying to prove something?
- Is their confidence warranted?
- Is bias playing a role in how I’m perceiving them?
- Is their behavior causing real issues for you or the team? Or is it just annoying?
Tactics to try
DO
- Ask for sources or data that back up their statements.
- Enlist the help of colleagues to stop interruptions and set norms on your team that discourage people from hogging the floor.
- Consider whether your own bias is playing a role in labeling your colleague a know-it-all.
DON’T
- Get into a power struggle about who’s right and who’s wrong.
- Try to address every transgression — it’s OK to let some things go.
- Allow your colleague to make you feel small.
The Tormenter
- Background
- Behavior could stem from a lack of empathy — studies have suggested “that people who have faced significant challenges were less likely to show compassion for other people enduring the same struggles” like going through a divorce, working parenthood, etc.
- It could also be envy — “When a junior person has something that someone more senior wants,.. it can cause the leader to have what academics call ‘downward envy’ or ‘generational envy’.”
- Social identity threat — “the belief that being associated with a devalued group will harm you”
- Fundamental misconception of leadership — “a misunderstanding of what effective leadership is”, e.g. domineering, commanding, unsympathetic
- Cost
- Lack of engagement, greater work-life conflict, and psychological distress
- Lower levels of vitality, lower job satisfaction, and increased desire to quit
- Organizations are also impacted — “there are some estimates that abusive supervision costs companies millions of dollars each year in the form of lost productivity, employee turnover, and litigation.”
- Demolishes confidence — you may attribute the tormenting to your own shortcomings
- Questions to ask yourself
- What else is going on with your colleague?
- Is your organization encouraging the behavior?
- Does your colleague think they’re helping? Are they helping?
Tactics to try
DO
- Find a shared goal and focus on that rather than on the negative dynamic between you.
- Ask directly what you could do to improve your relationship.
- Acknowledge the sacrifices they’ve made or the hardships they’ve experienced in their career.
- Try to demonstrate that you have value that others don’t so that you can shift the balance of power, even slightly.
- Examine how bias and stereotypes may be influencing your interpretation of your colleague’s behavior, particularly if she’s a woman.
DON’T
- Forget that most people act aggressively at work because they feel threatened.
- Try to up the ante with a highly competitive colleague; you may be able to disarm them more effectively by refusing to engage in a tug-of-war.
The Biased Coworker
- Background: The background for biases is nuanced & sometimes hard to pin down
- It could be cognitive laziness & ignorance
- It’s informed by societal, sociological, and historical forces (including white supremacy & systemic racism)
- It could also just be straight prejudice
- Cost
- “Microaggressions seem small; but compounded over time, they can have a deleterious impact on an employee’s experience, physical health, and psychological well-being.”
- They also threaten your career — how you’re paid, what your advancement opportunities are, who thinks you have leadership potential
- Questions to ask yourself
- Were you the target of discrimination? Or did you observe it?
- What are the risks? Of speaking up? Of not speaking up?
- Is it important that I respond immediately?
- Does my company culture encourage speaking up?
- Should I report the incident?
Tactics to try
DO
- Think carefully about whether you want to speak up, weighing the costs and benefits of doing so
- Recognize that you are in a position of power or privilege, you have a responsibility to address offensive comments and create a safe, inclusive work environment
- Ask questions that encourage a biased coworker to reflect on what they said and clear up any misunderstandings
- Have a few phrases ready that you can use if you are caught off guard by a microaggression
DON’T
- Presume that your colleague is incapable of change
- Neglect to think through the political costs of calling out a microagression, especially if you’re that target
- Assume the person knows they’re being offensive; it’s possible they have no idea
- Level accusations of racism, sexism, or any other form of prejudice; that will put most people on the defensive and it’s unlikely to change their behavior over the long term
This chapter of the book is a really lightweight discussion around navigating bias in the workplace — it’s not an easy or simple topic, so here are a few additional resources to keep the conversation going:
- Just Work: How to Root Out Bias, Prejudice, and Bullying to Build a Kick-Ass Culture of Inclusivity by Kim Scott
- Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
- How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi
- White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo
The Political Operator
- Background
- Motivations: Scarcity of resources, insecurity or feeling threatened, or desire for power
- Questions to ask yourself
- Which behaviors are problematic? And how problematic are they?
- What do the people in power care about?
- Should you be playing office politics more?
Tactics to try
DO
- Find productive — and ethical — ways to make sure that people know about your accomplishments
- Create a paper trail of who did what on a project so your colleague can’t take undue credit
DON’T
- Assume that your good work will speak for itself, especially if your colleague is bad-mouthing you
- Stoop to their level and try to beat them at their own political game
- Always trust them when they try to align with you — proceed with caution
Nine Principles for Getting Along with Anyone
- Focus on what you can control
- People will only change is they want to change
- Ask what you can do differently, assign more agency to yourself in the situation
- Your perspective in just one perspective
- You & your colleague are not going to see eye to eye — so find a path forward
- Ask yourself “what if I’m wrong?” — examine the situation with a critical eye
- Be aware of your biases
- Get smart about your own biases — this is an active & ongoing process
- Don’t make it “me against them”
- Imagine the conflict as three-pronged: you, your colleague, your dynamic
- Try to use collaborative means over combative
- Rely on empathy to see things differently
- Give the benefit of the doubt
- Know your goal
- Find clarity & write down what your goals are for the relationship
- Avoid gossip, mostly
- Choose who you confide in carefully — it’s imperative in every workplace that you know who your allies & thorns are
- Experiment to find what works
- Remember that small actions can have a big impact
- Don’t be afraid the try a new approach or switch it up
- Be — an stay — cautious
- Adopt a growth mindset
- Focus on what you stand to gain from getting along
Part 3: Protecting Yourself
When All Else Fails
We outlined above, but it’s worth restating — people will only change if they want to change. So the tactics outlined in this book, as well-intentioned & helpful as they are, will not always succeed.
When that happens, consider the following as protection for yourself:
- Establish boundaries
- Document, document, document
- Not only your colleagues’ bad behavior
- But also, your successes
- Escalate to someone who has the power to do something
- However, before doing so, weigh the pros & cons thoughtfully & carefully
- Should you quit?
- This could sound like an extreme response, but it could be warranted
Approaches That Rarely Work
Just all around avoid:
- Suppressing your emotions
- Retaliating
- Shaming
- Hoping your colleague will leave
Taking Care
Your well-being is priority number one — always remember that.
- Simple options like developing a mantra — “This is temporary” or “Everything that has a beginning, has an end”
- Control what you can control; find where you have agency & put energy towards that, instead of focusing on how your colleague should change
- Vent (productively) to relieve stress
- Build a microculture — build a coalition of people who have similar goals & values as you at work to combat the negativity taking up space in your work life
- Have a life outside of work
- Cultivate interpersonal resilience
- Have self-compassion — be kind to yourself
- Emotionally disengage — “there is a form of emotional disengagement that is productive: caring less”
- Accept the situation — “sometimes people are going to be mad at you, and that’s OK”
- Remember: it’s all about our relationships